Thursday, November 19, 2009

She said they were "words to live by".

Megan's gone to Kara's to get a new tattoo, it's going to say "Everything happens for a reason". What a nice way to look at things, as though every bad thing that happens in your life is only there to push you in the direction that you're meant to go in. Fate. For the first time in a long time things started to look different, for the better. A few unnerving hours have left me sitting on my couch, home alone, blasting the radio so I don't have to listen to the people upstairs stomping across my ceiling with obviously intentional effort.

I spent the night awake with a guy I used to have a thing for in high school. He came over for drinks and we spent hours talking about the way things used to be. He said something that confirmed a question I've always had about myself; he told me that when he knew me it showed that I was always angry and that it always seemed like I was struggling with something inside of my head. I don't know what's changed, whether it was the four years between then and now, the prescription drugs I've been pumped with or the recreational ones I took on my own, or whether I just haven't had anything to be angry about in a while. However it happened, I can't help but feel that I may have done it the wrong way, maybe by turning down my entire spectrum of emotions. Maybe by turning them off.

I'm afraid to be sad. It hurts too much and I can't handle it. I have to wonder if it's genetic because my father and sister are the same way. Maybe it's the natural way for some people, we just block out the sadness and turn it into something more bearable. Something that makes you feel almost like you could be powerful rather than vulnerable.

So some days, like today, the anger comes back, and it scares me. It scares me because it feels good, like a drug. It's something to push you, something to move your feet and make your heart pound in your chest.

Today I found out that I'm sick, and it's not going away anytime soon.

Sometimes, well thought out plans are trampled on, dreams are twisted into nightmares. People make mistakes and karma deals out consequence. But everything happens for a reason, and that's what I'll keep telling myself.

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